It’s so hard navigating through life when you feel lost. And I feel lost every day and every second of each day. I look at myself and wonder what happened to me. I think and ponder on how to bring myself back. But the more I try the further I seem to be. It becomes disheartening and overwhelming. I lay in bed trying to find a reason to get out. The only thing I crave is a drink so I can fall back into a mind numbing somber. Depression perhaps. I don’t know. But what is depression but a culmination of bad choices, regret and one’s perceived judgement of people.
It’s about the mind. I’m suppose to forget the past. Look forward to the future. Easily said and not so easily done. The past is like a black whole that sucks you in. The feelings of self-doubt. Unworthiness and worthlessness. The desire to want to make people proud but always seeming to come up short. The desire to want to be better but each attempt fails to relinquish the results wanted. So instead of my head being held up, my head is held down. So I drink. I drink to forget. I drink to sleep. I drink to momentarily not feel worthless. But when I wake up the feeling is still there.
Family. The core of life. But what if your family is not too welcoming. The judgement and the looks. Not only that, because that I can deal with that, but the open attacks against my livelihood and progress to be better. People who are suppose to engulf you with love and encouragement only shows you resentment and anger. Family teaches you that you are unable to trust anyone. That the one’s closest to you will betray and try to destroy you. So what will others do?
Love. What is love? Depressing as it may sound imagine living Forty years and never truly feeling love. To have to train your mind and body to not desire it. The times you thought is was present you had to realize you were just being tricked. Duped. And you are left to look a fool and to pick up the pieces of a shattered life. Not once. Not twice . Not trice. At this point it is obviously the shame is on me. That the need for desire and love always leads me into bad relationships. Relationships that aren’t real. But, finally you tell yourself that you will never be tricked again. So you turn off love altogether because you can’t trust yourself to discern what is good and bad.
So many feelings of desperation. So many calls for help and no one showed up. So many times I stood independently alone. A warrior afraid of the world but yet still challenging the world. So many failures. But always pushing myself to try again.
At this moment in time I realize I can’t do this alone. But I don’t have the answers and I don’t know what it is next. I can only pray that God has my back. Friends lost. Family lost. Love Lost.
Dreamer En Route