It has been a long time since I’ve written anything personal. But, although unspoken publicly, I have experienced so much within the last year… triumph and defeat. Not to disregard the continued devastating impact of the pandemic, but this story will focus on love.
Triumph – I attempted to love again.
Defeat – my worse fears were recognized when the person I gave my heart to couldn’t accept my past.
The defeat did a bit of damage emotionally. Additionally, I suffered in silence because I didn’t dare tell anyone. But, while I still feel the tingles of the pain… and the rejection hurt my confidence… I don’t regret the experience because I learned so much about myself and other people. What is most important is that I learned that I am still capable of loving- something I thought was impossible.
For years I didn’t believe I could love again. I thought that the loving part of myself was dead. That my life experiences had washed that version of myself away. I had trust issues, but more importantly, I didn’t believe someone was capable of loving me… and I was broken beyond repair. …Yet, God proved my thoughts wrong.
So I am grateful and appreciative to know that I have the ability to open my heart. That I didn’t allow fear to win the fight…
I find strength and resilience in knowing that the person I believed to be lost was not lost at all. That the fractions of myself I thought had chipped away remains firmly in place. I also have a new resounding hope and expectation that love is around the corner for me. I believe that God will send me the right person.
This chapter has just begun and my story is yet to be written. And although people try to write my story for Me… I defiantly will not allow it. I own the pen and paper to my life. And I intend on writing a beautiful story.
A story filled with love, romance, trials and tribulations, bravery and of course, a happily ever after ending. With that said, I am stepping away from my old self… the broken pieces and bitterness… and I’m walking blindly to my new self… the unknown, but a person who is willing and ready to embrace love yet again. A person who is whole.
I will continue to work on myself. Every single day. Because every day is a battle. And some days I take 10 steps forward. Other days I feel like I take 20 steps back. Despite the setbacks, however, I continue to believe. I continue to have faith. It is not about the singular battles, but rather the war. I repeat to myself, “my past does not define my future.” I also repeat to myself, “I have another life to live. A better life.”
So when the anxiety comes and the thoughts of the past attempts to dwell in my mind… I turn on my gospel music and I recite my bible verses.
The devil will not win this war. I claim victory in Jesus name… over my mind and my heart.
Dreamer En Route